Help
by Vladexx
Summary: I'm running out of time.


Sick.

_I'm not crazy_. I tell myself that over and over.

**Only crazy people have to tell themselves over and over they're not.**

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._

**Hahahaha, look at you. So caught up in your fragile little mind, imagine what you look like to them. They're probably looking at you.**

I completely snap out of my thoughts then. I swallow; it's like eating steel, having it slide down your throat, slickened by saliva and drop heavily into your stomach.

_They're looking at me. Oh God. Look calm, normal._

I straightened my previously slumped shoulders and tried to neutralise my face. I had to think, what would be normal? Should I smile? Or would that make people look at me and wonder why I'm smiling? Why do I even have to think about my facial expression?

_I can't do this. I need to get out._

I can't escape too fast. What if I attract attention leaving?

I jump completely then hearing the all too familiar sound of school laughter.

**Behind you. They're talking about you. Laughing about you. Can you hear it?**

_No. _

I tell myself they're not. I don't believe it. They're still laughing, it's getting louder. Or is that my heart beat?

_What did I do? Why are they laughing? Please go away._

My chest seizes up with the pain of fear when someone walks past looking at my face.

_Shit._

**Did you see how disgusted he was? That's what you face does to people. You fucking scum.**

_I know it. I don't have to be told what I am!_

I feel like total shit now, the scum of the earth. I can't even raise my gaze from the ground. I feel bad that someone had to look at me. Guilty I'm here wasting people's time living. So much guilt.

_Why do I feel like this? Why doesn't anyone else? How can they look at each other so easily… How did I use to?_

It should have been an easy enough question to answer. I use to be able to talk and smile and not care what they thought. Well, not that I didn't care.. It just didn't ever cross my mind, what they were thinking when they looked at me.

There's more laughter and I rush to escape and get out of the way. I can't think about how stupid I look right now. Don't. Just get away.

And I did. Sitting on the floor with my back pressed against the wall, I think. I didn't know how I felt then, I felt better because I was away from people. But now I felt weird for sitting unlike everyone else. I'm scared what they'll think. Scared and want to move and walk about. Be normal. But I can't. It's like my body's anchored to the floor and I'm held to it by large noisy chains. I'm scared to move, scared to make those chains make noise. Scared that I'll catch someone's attention.

I don't know if I feel better or worse here. I wish I could just be better.

**Better? Hahahaha! No one can make you better.**

I believe it.

**I'm all you've got left.**

_I know. I know._

My hands are clutching the ends of my sleeves so tight and I briefly wonder why. Why am I like this? Or am I putting too much importance on myself? Maybe nothing's wrong with me. I'm creating problems. Why the fuck can't I get on with life.

_Stop it. Stop wallowing. Be fucking normal for once._

I know I shouted that in my head. I understand that much, what I don't understand is how it makes my head dizzy.

I feel so alone. But I wanted to be alone.

My blood pulses that much slower as I watch old friends walk by. I know I'm not worth their time. I understand that, but it doesn't make it any less painful watching them pass by. Without as much as a disregarding glance. Nothing.

Then I remember I was the one who pushed them away to start with.

_I deserve this._

**Yes you do. You never deserved anything.**

_I know! Why can't you leave me alone?_

I'm desperate now. I feel so full of emotion, my eyes brimming with it as they burn tears I won't shed. Not here. Somewhere in me something's died. It's not coming back, I know that much.

Then my thoughts flicker back. To where I am. I hoped so bad no one could tell what was going on in my head. I didn't want anyone to notice the broken shit I was.

Everything changed for a second, like shuffling a deck of cards. I did want someone to realise. I wanted to reach out. I couldn't handle this. I needed someone. I needed help.

Someone walked past, a teacher. I felt something almost close to hope or longing. Wanting someone to one day see me and help me.

**Help you? Hahahaha you don't deserve help.**

I look back down at my shoes. The change was indescribable, but my heart felt like an old video tape. Being chewed up mercilessly by an angry VCR.

My insides were torn. Completely bare to the acid and vinegar pouring out that I called blood. My blood.

I keep waiting. For it all to be okay.

Spend all my time waiting.

It hurts.


End file.
